How to empower children- without giving them all the power.
We invited our whānau to tell us how we can support them with research on relevant issues.
This is one of the most common questions we were asked.
And this was our response:
Dear Parents,
Thank you so much for asking this pertinent question.
We know that offering simple, age-appropriate choices can make the children feel empowered, quell power struggles, give them a sense of control, and enhance decision making. When children realize that decision-making is a partnership, they are more likely to cooperate with the adults.
This partnership is a division of responsibility. Significant decisions—especially about the child’s well-being and health and safety—are too big for young children, so you will, of course, make these choices for them. For instance: The adult decides what time the child goes to bed and how much sleep he needs, whereas the child can choose the picture book he wants you to read to him before he goes to bed. A good place to start is offering your child choices in areas that might be important to them, but not to you. When your child MUST do something, you could offer them the choice of HOW they do it.
“It’s cold outside. Rao, would you like to wear your blue jumper or the red coat?
“It’s bath time, would you like to tiptoe to the bath or crawl like a kitty (or take giant dinosaur steps, if that’s what your child enjoys)
“Charles, do you choose to share the ball or play with the blocks by yourself?”
In terms of food, the adult decides what food the family is having (with a few choices, knowing that your child might pick one or two of those). How much to eat, and which one to choose is the child’s choice. For eg: We are having broccoli and beans for dinner. You can choose if you eat with a fork or a spoon (or in the green or the blue plate). (Source: https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/how-to-feed/the-division-of-responsibility-in-feeding/)
What if offering choices is not working:
Your child may be tired, overwhelmed, or perhaps this particular choice isn’t very important to them. It looks like Jemima is playing with that doll already, would you like to play with the teddy bear until she’s finished with her turn? Or share your ball and play together?
If your little darling simply says, “NO! NO! NO!”, then these three approaches may help you arrive at a decision together.
1. Give them a minute and wait to see if they decide on their own.
2. Help them choose by taking their attention to something that interests them: You had a really fun time kicking the ball together last weekend. Should we ask Jemima if she wants to play again?
3. Or simply choose for them: I’m going to find the teddy bear. Let’s get a tea party set up for him!
We hope you find this useful and eagerly look forward to your feedback.
Written by Guneet Sachdev on 11th Feb 2021 from the notes on Moving Smart, peer reviewed by Jo Clark